paper boats

you are my firelight

2005-07-20T08:28:22Z

dedicated to three separate ex's (ex-significant others, crush, etc.//)

one.

you control the light
the heating of your fingers, your nails
separate hair in clusters of four, still
wrinkled and blue, a frozen remainder of
hidden signs. they are numbers
displacing my carefully placed lantern.
and while it's dark, i'm no longer
needy nor special nor have i discovered
how to steal fire.

two.

they awoke the early hours
grasping the ticking seconds as we
trapped heat under a blanket, barely
touching, barely breathing.
instead we toast in silence, so endlessly
challenging their rushed gait --
they can hardly believe how
their confusion pleases us.

three.

Only now can I see a little further.
Your estranged eyes bring me closer --
how I hate to be a stranger.
We're floating, inhabited with familiarity
here, encased in a playground, drugged
and desired. This is, after all, your end
and my beginning.

I am so much better than I used to be.

2005-03-07T07:39:03Z

This was my first shortshort fiction story I ever finished. Written sometime when I was 16, when I joined Vertigo magazine. I just thought it was funny that I thought I could write, but I really couldn't. Not when I have never experienced whatever I was writing about. Note: I had NEVER BEEN drunk when I wrote this.

A week ago, I let myself soak in the downpour of the storm. I wanted to wash everything away, to be rid of the dirtiness and the stains. I opened my mouth to scream, but my voice only came out cracked and dry, drowned out in the fierce patter of the rain.

An eerie silence greeted me as I pushed my way into our home. I headed toward the bathroom to wash up, momentarily catching my reflection under the dim light. I frowned at the ugly knotted flying hair that matted across my head. A groan escaped from my mouth as I began to brush the tangles out of my hair. I scorned at my oversized gym t-shirt and grey sweatpants... and with bitter repulse, I quickly peeled the clothes off, shivering. I reached for a pile of clothing beside me and started putting on whatever I can. It didn't matter to me – no matter what I change, I cannot change what had happened.

My eyes met my face in the reflection again. This time there was a faint pink glow growing in my flushed cheeks.

And still, I knew I was no where near being healthy.

I retraced my steps to my bedroom, my face into the pillow. Now, it's true that no one could hear me, as I was muffled by the soft comforter. Yet, I hollered and screamed out my vocal chords grew raspy and could not breathe anymore. I started trembling again, almost an hour after I dried myself away from my drenched self, to wipe myself free of stains, free of the memories. And before my misery got ahold of me, I fell asleep listening to the wailing of the wind and rain splashing against my window.

Today, I sat by that windowsill, willing the sun, peeking out of the clouds only slightly, to come out and show its brave face. Yet, instead of the sun revealing its face, a faint face with sleepy squinted eyes and dark dirty tangled mass of curls stared back. Startled, I pushed myself back.

"It's been six days... you haven't been down for a while..." There were uncertain pauses in her tired voice, not knowing how to act in front of me. "You've... locked yourself up here. It's not very... healthy." She struggled to find the right words, but she could only stare blankly at me.

"Mother, please leave," I managed to croak, frustrated, turning away from her face.

"You ran away that day, and everyone was asking for you." Suddenly, her voice seemed to be cleared of confusion, and she was speaking more clearly than ever. "We were all concerned."

That day, I remember, began with laughter and too much alcohol. Mother busted in on my friend and I, wasting away, drunk on life as we were lying on our backs in the hall way opening. She was even more furious when she discovered cigarette butts in the backyard. Mother fumed, while my companion and I giggled, numbed, obviously not seeing the anger sprouting.

"Natalie did it to herself. No one was there. No one was around to stop her..." Mother continued now, her tone picking up speed, almost as if she was convincing herself as well.

I’ve only met her for two weeks, since she moved across the street from the East side; the bad side as everyone says. I wasn’t sure why I was so intrigued; maybe it was the strands of green hair hiding half her face, or the mysterious deep purple scars she displays on the wrists. But she wore this large cross on her chest that she swore protects her. Everyone seemed skeptical of my choice of her as a friend, but Natalie was merely misunderstood in my opinion.

And Natalie dared me to jump over my neighbors' that day and steal some liquor after my mother slammed the front door on us. I didn't think it was a big deal, since I knew them, as I've occasionally been invited before. We weren't actually going to drink the bottle; we just liked the thrill of stolen goods. Her room was stacked with them, and I shocked her when I revealed that I haven't actually broken into any place to steal.

It's just for fun, she had said, with a mischievious grin.

The world was spinning in slow motion by that time, and without a second thought I broke into the fence that bordered my house and my neighbors'. I pushed open the back door and almost fell in, with the giddiness rising within me. Natalie gave me a wan thumbs-up, and I toppled in, nearly tripping over their dormant watch dog. It growled a bit, but after it noticed that it's only me, it quickly went back to sleep in it's comfortable place. And my hands shook as I grabbed a glass bottle off the wine rack.

Mother broke into my thoughts again, raising her volume, "Are you listening? There weren't anything we could do. No, we couldn't...."

We ran and ran and ran until we reached slim pathway of the local public park, half giggling and half choking. I handed bottle to Natalie. Before we could move any further, we heard steady footsteps pounding on the pavement. My heart jumped, thinking that people were coming after us. She must have had the same thought because a confused look consumed her face, and suddenly she slammed the bottle to the ground, smashing the glass into a million shards. The liquid spilled into my face as well as hers. I must have screamed in shock because Natalie kept mouthing to me that it's okay, it's okay, it's okay...

"She was insane," my mother continued, "and her mind was set..."

It was then I noticed that the liquid spilled on my face was sticky and crusty - not wine at all. I looked in horror when I realized it was deep red, which was soaking my shirt, and creeping up the leg of my pants. I think it was then I asked Natalie in a panicked voice what she was doing and then when she answered, I'm going to hell. And I remembered repeating no no no no, while Natalie asked patiently if I wanted to join her. Come on, she said, don't tell me you aren't in as much pain as I am. I shrunk away from her fiery eyes and I attempted to stand up so I could run as fast as I could but my legs wouldn’t budge.

"...and so she let herself bleed to death. She was a very, very disturbed girl. She wasn’t thinking rationally, " mother paused briefly. "Luckily, you survived from the cuts."

I could vaguely feel the glass biting into my skin until I passed out completely. "Oh God, save me" was the last thing I heard. When I came to, Natalie was gone, along with most of the blood that was accumulated. I was fine; all I needed was several band aids.

"Then she left while you were unconscious, decided that letting herself bleed was not enough. She just jumped - and that was it..." my mother's voice faded away to a hoarse whisper.

And later that day, I found a network of police cars piling up around the corner, and I checked it out. They found a shattered body at the bottom of the rocky cliff that marked the edge of the town. A low, horrible gasp escaped from my throat and I tumbled away.

I didn't notice that it was starting to rain but I didn't care. My feet pounded against the pavement - passing across the local library, two blocks of residential area and finally the park, with the stained blood slowly rinsing away.

it's hard to say no

2004-11-02T08:09:25Z

I realized I may not even have time to vote tomorrow, unless I get up insanely early to vote before classes since I have one class right after another then it's work work wooork wooork until 11pm.
And I'm not about to go to sleep anytime soon, with my paper, reading (finishing a novel!), and quiz to study for. ldjf;lskjdf;kldjf;kj
why didn't I just fucking vote early...GRRRrrr

london calling

2004-08-29T21:17:54Z

out approximately 12 hours.
i feel so good.
(i can't believe i am here.)

roaming the streets of london in the dark is an adventure itself.

engaging world and history

2004-08-19T17:54:12Z

walked all around Edinburgh yet again. this time erin & i went to see shimmer, a gorgeous play by a Glaswegian writer. it sort of reminds me of francesca lia block because it is dreamy, almost supernatural in a way. and since they are all scottish actors, i am in love. i love their language. rain was their background music.
tomorrow we will be heading off to Glasgow! i've heard so much about this city. not only is it the home of bands like belle & sebastian and camera obscura, but also it is one of the two MAJOR cities of Scotland (the other is Edinburgh which i am staying in right now)
i love it. i want to stay here forever. not really. i am just too excited. erin & i are going to travel to london next week and then paris. we're already planning it out.
i feel like i'm in my own little world here, so far away from home. it's a good relief.
<3

edinburgh's rainy days.

2004-08-18T11:21:28Z

found out walking in the rain after class in edinburgh with an umbrella does not help, especially when you're walking beside busy streets with cars and buses running so close to you. my pants were splattered and re-splattered a couple of times, making it soaking wet though i was armed with an umbrella. i'm finally starting to dry here in this cafe.
now i'm drier but hungrier. erin & i are going to see another play at 1pm, and it's quite a walk there so i should be going soon.
i came on just to see if anyone sent me emails- but i guess not. send me something ;0
i'm spending way too much money in this cafe.

the exciting update from the laptop

2004-07-25T10:06:21Z

i'm using the new laptop to update this! i'm sitting in my bed...no joke. thanks andy! though it did take me a while to get familiar with this thing... i still have to re-download, re-setup everything. but i've got the main programs, even Semagic!

silly midnight movies

2004-07-18T08:38:18Z

DONT WATCH NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. *have nightmares* it’s too unsettling for me. yes i know it’s considered a classic (saw the original ‘68 version) by many but i can’t get over how terrible the acting was-it seemed the zombies have more “life” than the living people. i never enjoyed zombie movies anyway, not even the hilarious chinese ones who jump around with arms outstretched.
ok i cant sleep now

...umm. i will. go. read. then.

they are poisoning our air!

2004-07-14T07:43:40Z

i don’t know why i am so frustrated lately. politics will distract me.
this topic has been picked to death, but...i need to rant;

gay marriage > why the fuck is this a big deal? sure, i understand many people are against homosexuals & always will (can’t change that), but why do you want to take away their rights? if you don’t like them, leave them alone, let them live the way they want to. you don’t have to associate with them if you don’t want to. how are they hurting you? what, are they just spreading some gay disease? and, how would taking away their right to marriage affect you at all? Diane Feinstein has a point about Bush using this issue as a political tool. because even though most Democrats are for same-sex marriage, there are still a substantial amount who do oppose. this issue would gather their support for Bush (if only for this cause). another way to distract voters away from the other shit he’s done. it’s a desperate way, if you ask me, to distract people from current issues especially when there’s a film like fahrenheit 9/11 out by picking on this controversial issue.
but making an amendment to the constitution to take away rights? what century are we in?

yeah i just hate these gays, maybe if i take away their rights they can slowly disappear so i won’t catch their gay disease. yep, you just honestly want them all to go away forever...until you find out your girlfriend/boyfriend/sister/brother is gay. oops !

ps i know lisa & i should stop making fun of them (especially since rosa goes to a CERTAIN private jesuit school) but hahaha: http://www.frc.org/get.cfm?i=PD04B01
(they made such an appropriate domain: http://www.protectmarriage.org)

my buddylist

2004-07-01T07:20:16Z

almost-complete aliased buddylist. except i can't remember some people's last names...

up at 4 in the morning

2004-06-22T10:58:43Z

Judy, let's go for a walk
We can kiss and whatever you want
But you will be disappointed
You will asleep with ants in your pants
Judy, you're just trying to find and keep the dream of horses
And the song she wrote was Judy and the Dream of Horses
Dream of Horses
You dream of horses

ps. new rilo kiley songs. http://www.lullabyes.net/rilokiley.htm
they are playing in SF the day i'm going to be on an airplane to scotland. great timing :p

all caffeinated and everything

2004-06-15T09:40:49Z

stupid KDVS live stream link didn't work for a while. everybody GO LISTEN TO 90.3FM right now and call in on theo's (dj toast) show and make a request to make him ultra-busy :p

i sleep now. must wake up semi-early (9ish) to study with kelly.

just because i'm wearing a b&s shirt today

2004-06-14T21:48:06Z

If all you want is to stay loose
There's a little echo calling
Like a miner trapped inside
If I tell her of this moment
She will in me doubts confide
And she's on me like a blanket
Like a stalk of wilting grass
I'm not sure about her motives
I'm not sure about her past
But my faith is like a bullet
My belief is like a bolt
The only thing that lets me sleep at night
A little carriage of the soul
If it starts a little bleaker
Then the year may yet be gold
Happiness is not for keeping
Happiness is not my goal
But what about me
I dont really see
How things will improve

And I know it could be me
I'm always asking for more
I keep running round in circles
I keep looking for a doorway
I'm going to need two lives
To follow the paths I've been taking

the FRENCH show: http://www.moviemail-online.co.uk/films/11899

Belle (dog), Sebastian (boy)
originally Belle et Sebastien by Cecile Aubrey

on a more worrysome note:
rebecca's going to come over in approximately 2 hours. so i have to stick around until then. eep.

don't be nervous, yawen. just hope your roommate isn't sleeping then.

now back to studying while listening to b&s.

edit [3:46pm]: oh no...how can she be sleeping again? she got up at past 12:30pm, so she's sleeping after only a bit longer than THREE hours of being awake.

the octopus joke.

2004-05-24T07:16:16Z

i forgot to post this joke told by mirah:

so an octopus walks into a bar carrying a bagpipe. the bartender asks him "So, you gonna play that?" and the octopus says "Play it? After I take off its pajamas I'm gonna fuck it!"

a keyboard and some electronics >

2004-05-16T13:36:33Z

i remember watching you go, and the long walk home, pass the blinking lights, with the strip club, to the carl's jr. and i remember brushing your hand and how it made me feel so sad, i wanted to hold your hand so bad. this is the bus that'll take you away, hope you enjoyed your stay, wouldn't have worked anyway.
this is the bus that'll take you away, hope you enjoyed your stay, wouldn't have worked anyway.
this is the bus that'll take you away, hope you enjoyed your stay, wouldn't have worked anyway.
i should've kissed you when i had the chance

DOWNLOAD THIS: http://tomlab.de/mp3/tom21_track12.mp3

the PERFECT INDIE POP BAND

2004-05-13T09:40:31Z

i like this guy

omg so cute he sings pretty indie synth pop!

they're on a spanish independent label, based in madrid. so...i can't read this. http://acuareladiscos.com/vitesse/

his songs are almost...POSTAL SERVICE-ish. just look at the lyrics.

our destinations share a lot in common, we're going underground to see a friend
a memory that's tangled like a shoelace, a slipknot wrapped around
i think we've found the place where nothing ever changes once you buy
a ticket out

a simple irony that casts light on the shadows of your doubt
don't worry why
you can't outrun the past but there's no reason not to try and hide
from what's forgotten
this thing's not gonna last so take advantage of what chance accords
before its gone

our maps go blank once roads run into borders, the lines all disappear out on the edge
the train tracks all go nowhere that you've been a vanished stitch in time, a broken string

geekiness unite!

2004-04-15T10:12:35Z

yes it's true. i host his site: toasthaste.net

toasthaste (3:07:55 AM): I <3 my geeky girlfriend. Good night Yawen. =*
echoedwalls (3:08:15 AM): geeky girlfriend? how about YOU??!!
toasthaste (3:08:21 AM): hahahaa
toasthaste (3:08:24 AM): no comment

also, i'm re-hosting edith's and sara's site...all are moved to shymuses.org if you guys are curious ;

just another fix, can i weather this?

2004-03-25T22:41:40Z

it almost feels like summer, making plans for day (mostly night), free of responsibilities ; coming up with schemes, and not letting my parents know.

!!!!!! mikewenttoseeblonderedheadlastnightandiamjealous!

i'm trying to think of what to say to you

2004-01-13T07:01:43Z

...........
it's come to the point that i realize there's no point in sleeping, i waste too much time.

oh, infatuation

2004-01-12T11:03:11Z

i like the way you dance.

this will be the emo-est journal entry yet but...

2004-01-05T03:18:03Z

Phone Post

2004-01-04T09:04:28Z

Phone Post

2003-12-26T06:27:22Z

send our wishes

2003-12-25T07:39:51Z

my mom said "merry christmas" to julia & i laughed, saying julia is jewish. julia didn't actually care, as she still celebrates the idea of christmas anyway (gift-giving)--in fact she tells me there is some type of "santa claus" in russia as well.
anyway, i hope we all get to celebrate something around this time of the year. <3 from me to you.

Phone Post

2003-12-24T07:34:46Z